Growing Up

Sundays are usually a day of resting. But lately I have had a lot time to think, especially today when there's not much going on. Not about anything in particular, but just everything. I've realized a couple new philosophies while mulling over my life and I figure I should write it here so I actually have it where I can read it again. And hopefully adopt these ideas.

First, there are things I can change, and there are things I can't. And not just events that happened to me or what grade I get or anything like that, but in myself. The things I can change are the things I need to focus on. Thomas Edison used to have a list of things he thought he needed to improve on. Traits he wanted to have, habits he thought he ought to develop. And every single week, he'd spend those entire seven days improving himself one bullet point at a time. I have my own mental list and through trial and error, I realize no one can change everything over night. It was a process that can be broken down. That's my goal. I know I have things I need to change, but I need to also learn to be patient with myself. The most important things in my life tend to stay that way-constantly in my life. Those less important things just seem to fade away. In growing up, you realize that you can't control your universe forever. Eventually things are going to change. It's scary of course, but it's also exciting! New chapters keep opening up for me and I don't want to keep shutting them out for fear of change. And I am blessed to have the Atonement for things that I can change, and am just scared to. But, since there are also things I can't change, I don't really see the point in dwelling on them, rolling over and over in my bed picking myself and my life apart, wincing, getting frustrated when they didn't go according to my plan. Hello! Nothing in life ever goes according to plan! It's The Greenie Theory.

My teacher used to tell us that this whole life was about the Greenie Theory. When you are a new missionary out on a mission, you are dropped into a pretty uncomfortable situation-you're the "new guy" and have a lot to figure out. But you learn a ton going through this process. Then, just when you feel cozy, relaxed, and complacent in your current position (you know everyone, they know you, you no longer get lost, etc), you get yanked out of it and thrown into a new area where it starts all over again. He used to say that it's not just the mission where this happens. That's our whole life. That's how we keep progressing. The things you can't change are the things you just need to learn how to deal with. I believe that there is a clear line between people who are accepting of those things and will love you anyway, and those who don't really wish to cope with them so they distance themselves. Both are fine, but I've been really trying to make sure I don't let the people that are accepting get away very easily.

I also have a problem with wanting things back that I know I can't have. High school hang outs, childhood play dates, playing with my sister for hours and hours using nothing but our imaginations (and lately I've realized how much I've really really missed being with my sisters), reliving my first semester of college over & over. That one has been the one most recently. It was the one time in my life I really felt able to take on anything. I was on my own, I knew one person up at school, and I had everything to learn. Then I got too comfy and became lazy. I love being out of my element! I really do! I only know what I know based on what I've experienced. So maybe the key is to get out and experience more and stop being so afraid of...well, everything.

I don't really know if any of this has flow, if it makes sense, but I'm starting to like the stuff my brain just cooks up on its own. I do love being who I am. I still watch home videos every single time I'm sick, I still get beyond excited every time I get to see fireworks, and I still love to bury my feet in wet sand when I go to the beach and wiggle them out. I still love to hug my legs when I get into a movie, I still sing out loud to country music (complete with a hairbrush microphone and dancing around my room) and I still get fascinated listening to people talk about their lives. These are all things I don't think I could ever give up, things that some may find endearing, and others find immature and stupid. But I don't want to! Growing up doesn't have to be completely changing yourself and giving up the things you love. It just means adding things to the list. I just need to find a perfect balance, just like the Savior was able to. And someday I hope I get close. But until then, I just have to remember to see things as they really are and be fearless.