"What Happened To You?"

I'm pretty sure I have already confessed how much I LOVE my Interpersonal Communications class. Truly. I'm going to be bold & daring and say that it maaay be my most favorite class I have taken to date. (But! Obviously that doesn't include all the classes where I had crushes on my teachers. That's just a losing battle)

Anyway, we have this small prompt we were given and I decided that since I am terrible at keeping a journal, I'll post it to my blog where I write everything down anyway. We have to write it somewhere; why not write it somewhere where everyone can see something totally personal right? Haha

Okay. Today in class, we discussed how we are in the first grade. If you got a group of six-year olds together and said "Raise your hand if you are good singer," eeevery single one of those cuties would raise their hand and be like "You want me to sing!? I can sing right here in front of the class! What do you want me to sing!?" and everyone would want to participate. But nowadays, no one ever pipes up about anything! So my teacher asked, "What happened to you?" Here's my response:

Everyone has different experiences that make them question their talents, their abilities, even their habits. In first grade, no one really cares about any of it though! Every one is the same and social cues, norms, and words like "humble" or "conceit" or "brag" don't exist. However, once we enter into kindergarten, we suddenly need the acceptance of our peers and that becomes the number one priority over just expressing who we really are and what makes us happy. We start to care about what people think of us. For me, it was all about competition once "Dropping Your Apple" came into play. My first grade teacher would always make us "drop our apples" [which were just these little laminated cut outs of apples with our names of them velcroed(?) on a giant paper tree] whenever we were bad. That was my worst fear. So I always tried to be a really great kid. That would be my worst nightmare. But I remember perfectly the day that was all shattered...thanks to Charisma.

She was this girl in my class, and even when I was little, I was like "Oh boy, I have to stay away from that girl. She's trouble." because she was aaalways having to drop her apple. I don't think she ever got it to the ground, but...I just was nervous. One day when we had to line up outside the classroom door, who should come up next to me but Charisma. And she started talking...and kept talking..aaaand kept talking. Our teacher (Mrs. D) told us to hush so she could count us or something and I shut my mouth. But Charisma just kept talking! I was getting so frustrated so I was trying to tell her to be quiet already and that got us both to talking...and that's when the worst words I'd heard yet came from Mrs. D's mouth. "Alright girls, that's it. Drop your apples." I was MORTIFIED. Apparently, she'd told us to be quiet like 3 times and we just ignored her. Ninety percent sure that's when I became nervous to talk too much. I mean, obviously I wasn't some hermit or anything by any means. But I definitely didn't really participate as much in class (because I was so embarrassed that I made my teacher mad and thought she didn't like me anymore) and I really was only outgoing on the playground when I would play "Penguins" or kickball with my friends. And that's also when I started comparing myself with the kids around me. If someone had ever dropped their apple any further than how far mine fell that day, I steered VERY clear of them. But I always knew there were kids in our class who had never dropped their apples and I WISHED I could be like them again. I know it sounds crazy now, but in first grade, you just want to make your teacher love you and have lots of friends so they'll invite you to their birthdays and sleepovers. That never left me, even up until high school. I wasn't going to be the one who made a dumb comment or asked a dumb question or got in trouble with my teacher. First grade turned me a bit shy and it was only in 9th grade that I made friends who were much more outgoing and confident and I decided to mimic them. I'm definitely not that shy anymore when it comes to friends. But when I am meeting new people, or have a new class, I try to ALWAYS make a good impression. I don't want their first perception of me to be something like "That girl is weird" or "She isn't paying attention. She'll probably fail."

It's amazing to me that somehow, every single person on this earth becomes self conscience at one point in their life. We don't shoot our hands up when asked to sing in front of people. Who exactly decides what is socially acceptable and decides who is "great" or "bad" and fixes standards?

We need to make sure as well that we are not putting others in that position of being uncomfortable with themselves. "Do not criticize, condemn, or complain." How we percieve ourselves has largely to do with how we act. If we're told we're terrible students, there would be far less colleges than there are today, right? I like what Brother Embree said today in class. He said "Don't forget that as others shape you, you also shape others." If we have a good self image of ourselves, that will allow us to push through and ignore all the harsh criticisms that are coming our way. We all should embrace the little kid in us and try to grow back out of what people think of us and needing everyone's approval. Just appreciate those around who appreciate you! Happiness doesn't have to be hard. Just embrace who you are and be happy with it! Live a little! As Disney says, "Express yourself!" I think people will find that that little first grader is still somewhere in there.